The insanity within greater than the insanity without. With the rest of the world falling to pieces all I can focus on is my own. Hunger, poverty and violence peaking to heights never seen before and yet I lie here wallowing in my own sorrow. With all the earthquakes and floods causing death and destruction all I feel is me drowning in misery. My heart just won’t stop aching. It explodes in my chest with all the emotions it carries. Life’s been hard. There are black tear stains on my pillow. Remnants of the mascara that ran down my cheeks. I’m a mess. I tell myself I can’t get out of bed. I just want the curtains closed, surrounded by darkness. I drift off. I get lost in my thoughts… I can’t. I can’t get out of my bed…
I can’t get out of my bed… yet there’s someone out there who slept on a cold wet hard floor. Concrete for a pillow. Ugh! I feel that nudge, that gnawing guilt that I need to stop this downward spiral I’ve allowed myself to get on. I also realise that I’m scared. Terrified perhaps, to think that maybe my life might be bigger than me. Scared to dream because of the disappointment I’ve faced. Scared to be strong because of the weaknesses I see. Scared to step out of my comfort zone because settling is my sanctuary. Scared to be happy because it’s always being taken away from me. Scared to be more than I am now because of the less I was then. The can’ts shouting louder than the cans.
I think of how much I could be if I tried. But it always seems to be out of reach. Or maybe I don’t try hard enough? A good idea that’s never meant to be. Like forbidden love, it’s fun to play around but there’s no sense of purpose or direction. Where am I going? Nowhere is the proper answer.
I need to find my way.
I need to see, see past me. My eyes to be opened to a reality bigger than three. Me, myself and I.
Be strong for the ones who are weak, the ones more broken than me. I’m at a hard place in life, but there’s those that have it harder. Tough truths? Nah. Necessary truths. The world needs me to get better so I can make it better.
So I wipe my tears. I can get out of my bed.
I get out of my bed.
I decide to go and buy a meal for a homeless man. Go take some shopping to a children’s home. Count my blessings, even if I’ll stop at one.
I remember the wise words of my mother, bless her heart. A generous soul who lived to help those in need. She had an eye for those suffering, those who had it worse than we did. I hear her gentle voice…
“Taking your eyes off your problems won’t solve them baby girl. But it certainly changes your perspective.”
By Jewell Njeri.