Wanting to belong

For Waithera.

The ache that filled her soul. The girl she wished to be. Loved, accepted and cherished. Five girls. Five hearts. One wish.

1.She wanted people to love her harder than she loved them. Wanted someone to be the friend to her that she was to so many. She wanted to give and get back. She was tired of giving advice and checking up all the while drowning in her own struggles. Just for once, she wanted someone to ask how she was doing.

2.She wanted people to notice her for more than just her pretty face. She wanted people to notice her deep heart and soul. She wanted people to value her thoughts.

3.She wanted people to like her. Enjoy her company. She wanted to be more fun, more enthusiastic, more lively. She wanted to be the life of the party. She wanted to be that girl everyone wanted to be around. She wanted popularity. She was tired of being a nobody.

4.She wanted to have the perfect body. Flawless skin. Perfect selfie. She was tired of seeing ugly every time she looked into the mirror

5. She wanted to be okay. All the time. And not feel things so deeply. Not to have so many emotions running through her heart. Her shrink said she needed to take her pills or else she’d get worse. How much worse could it possibly be. She wanted people to stop thinking she was crazy.

She. Wanted….

An outlet. She tried everything to the downright irrational. Every passing trend became her identity. She was swayed by every whim that came her way. She was lost, she had lost herself. “Who am I” was a question she couldn’t answer. And it’s funny because it was a vicious cycle, the harder she tried, the more people stared and sniggered, but not one bothered to find out what was going on. So she tried even more. She sank deeper into the mess she made. Those who did notice had no qualms with using her. What she thought was love and acceptance turned into a nightmare. And it hurt her.

She wanted the pain to stop. She wanted to feel in control. She wanted to get back the power she’d lost. So she picked up a blade. Ironic, because as she cut, deeper, the pain seared through her flesh making her scream. Her screams grew louder and LOUDER. Not because the blood was flowing. River of red. She was trying to let out the demons that plagued her soul. But they wouldn’t let her alone. She did this over and over, days, weeks, months, until she grew numb. The scars on her wrist the only proof that something was seriously wrong.

She wanted it to end. She stepped onto the balcony. The wind blowing through her hair. Lifting it gently off her shoulders. She looked so beautiful that night. Her skin glowing in the moonlight. Radiant. If only she knew. What she did know, was hurt, rejection and confusion. So she fell. And just like that, it was over.

By Jewell Njeri.

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